Missing Me

I miss me...The very me....The old me....The happy me...The bright me....The smiling me...The laughing me...The gone me...

I say I'm fine....But going insane.....
I say I feel good...But in lot of pain...
I say It's nothing...But it's really alot...
I say I'm okay.....But really I'm not...

I was a Real entertainer, I was always making everyone laugh...
I kept myself....I just had this infectious energy
I had a dream of colors...How i want to be.....
I got along with everyone...i was in life of laughs and dreams....
Before I persue it seriously.......emotionally abused......isolated by  family for being black.....Tsunami came....

They ask "How are you doing? But They mean is "Are You over it yet?"
My Lips say "Fine, Thanks", But my eyes tell a different story, My heart sings a different tune, and my soul just weeps....

I smile...but want to cry...
I talk....but want to be quiet...
I am never seen in same outfit twice....but not comfortable....
Boxes and boxes of shopping...but no peace....
I pretend that i'm happy...but i'm not...
Thought that perfect girl with the perfect life, the perfect world with the perfet guy....But nothing is perfect...Right....
It seems I'm always having the best time with friends...
assuming always driving...travelling..new experiences and great stories to share...
No one to walk with me...No one really knows me...Masked my sadness with the Ideal life...
Always flying high in the air, but felt low inside...
Inbox is always full....but felt empty with in...
Happy on the outside, But struggling with the Heart inside....
I have an addiction that everyone called a "lifestyle"....
People are just occupied by my physical appearance...


Pain is not obvious...
I search optionals to drown my pain, but the pain learnt how to swim....
I am sick of crying, tired of trying, smiling but inside I am dying...
Its amazing how all know me but still don't know me at all...
It's very stressful to explain whats going on in my head...
When I don't even understand myself...
I use filters to lighten my photos when I carry the heavy weight of stress....

But I want someone who knows how i really feel...
Want to spend quality time face to face...
Want to be some one's dream...
I don't want to live for approval of others....

Only can document the moments I'm most love with my self...

I fight endlessly with the unseen enemy which can't seem to outside....

The worst thing in life is to end up alone....

MIND AND HEART CONFFLICT

Mind gives happiness.... But heart gives satisfaction....
However, when you think with your Heart, you see relationships in front of you....

Mind sees rationality, figures, pros and cons whereas Heart sees bonds, love and empathy.

‘I am sorry. Let's get back together. I still love you.’ He said.

It's been two years since he left, for a reason he too didn't know. But, as the saying says ‘after a bad day, comes a glad day.’ She too learnt to survive.

Untill one day, he crossed paths with her again.

Standing in front of her, was the one she has been waiting for.

The one, she loved with all her heart.

The one, she always thought would come back.

And, he stood right in front of her.

She wanted to run as fast as she can, she wanted to hug him as tight as she can, she wanted to cry as loud as she can, she wanted to love him as much as she can.

But,

She stood firm. ‘It's okay.’ And smiled. A smile so beautiful, he was mesmerized again.

She turned her back towards him. A drop of tear rolled down her cheek.

She knew she doesn't deserve him. She deserves herself.

‘I still love him.’ The heart screamed.

‘But, I love myself.’ The mind ordered.

The fact is, the strong feelings of love and attraction is what we call feelings from heart. It is usually inclined more towards instant happiness. Hence, you tend to think less but more about temporary satisfaction.

On the other hand, the strong emotions which carry the lessons which you learnt from past experiences and don't want you to fall in the trap again is what we call thinking from mind. Hence, you tend you think more and about permanent satisfaction.

If you think with your heart, that means you’re both passionate and empathetic,

You love nature and exploring the beauty of the world. You pay attention to the sounds of nature and you like to just daydream and contemplate for hours by yourself. You are totally fine with spending time alone to invigorate your heart.

Because you can experience several emotions throughout the day, you are versatile and can find yourself getting involved in projects that are very different or hanging out with people who are polar opposites. But this what makes you an interesting individual, you are unpredictable – even to yourself. Having a sharp memory is the good quality of brain, but the ability to forget the unwanted things is a far better quality of the Heart.. 

Feeling like old soul....Sometimes you look around and feel like you were born in the wrong era, you crave an era when life was simple and people were honest, or you crave the innocence of childhood when you only thought with your heart. Many times you feel like you don’t belong to this generation.

Love hate relationship with the brain......

You love it because it gives you the reality check you need and you hate it because it holds you back from being who you really are. You still haven’t figured out a way to co-exist and you don’t know if you ever will. Until then, your heart will always take over.

Yup... Never give up on live....

No matter how many times your heart has been broken, no matter how many people disappointed you, no matter how many people told you to use your brain instead, you will always love wholeheartedly and think with your heart, even if it means hurting yourself, but you know that your heart is the force that keeps you going and it won’t let you have it any other way.

Live in peace ☮️, not in pieces.....

Soundings

We all know that there is a power for sounds.... There is much affect for words, which can't prove by practically....

Words are the bridge between people....mantra between two Hearts.....
We can experience the affect of the words... That's it..
Every word which come from us has a great value.... Many meanings in teller's way and in the listener's way....
No meaning for THANKS if we tell that in a weird manner... But you! Stupid & fool words can sounds friendly by the way we expressed it....
So the exact meaning of the word is not the meaning really.... It varies by our sound... No affect of meaning... Sounding only affects...

If we sounds the words in an order... It is called Mantra.... Which is devine.... Involve in chanting OM..... feel the sound waves travel throughout the body..... Feeling subjective intense..

Somewhere.....sometime back.....read about Thomas Alwa Edison...American greatest inventor... Developer of many devices that greatly influenced the life around the world... Inventor of 2332 things... Electric light bulb is one of them....
I mark him as future inventor...

In his childhood his school teacher gave him a letter and asked him to give it to his mom.... His mother told him about the content of the letter as..."your son is such a genius, talented... We are not enough to teach him... you only take care of his studies." She only teached him in the home. He identified the letter in a old cupboard after many years after he became famous, and mourned much after read the contents in the letter as " your son is mentally disabled... We can't teach him... Don't send to our school."
Then he wrote in his dairy" Thomas always Edison is mentally disabled boy.... Due to his heroic mother, he became the genius of the century."

His mother didn't believe the school teacher's words. So she sounded affective, powerful, positive words which gifted a genius to the world...
There is vibrations in our words.... sounds in our words... creating our world.... Our words... Our thoughts... When creating our truths.... Deriving New you... From you... They get more powerful.....

All the talkatives words are not powerful.... The words.. Which are humble, concerned, from the heart are really cherished others hearts...

Some words are difficult to digest at that moment... But after some phase of life... We can understand the meaning of the words...

Words... Which came out after a contradiction.... Which are beautiful... Can handle any heart....

Take our words to high level... Not the tone...
Flowers bloom due to rain... Not due to thunder...

Words like thunders have no use... Only sound pollution... Control with language...

Discuss the issues... Not about persons...

Discussion about the other person is the most interesting thing for some people... The un constrained conversation pollution don't go to that person... That is around you only.... As Buddha says if others reject your offerings... That will remain with you only.....

Casanova

He is cheating. You know he is cheating. He knows it, and is becoming less and less defensive. He thinks he has a right. He thinks its part of being a “guy”. It may be part of being a guy, but it isn’t part of being “your guy”. What is going on?

Unfortunately you may be married to a womanizer. Womanizers are as old as Casanova. You’ve heard the stories and many men have tried to fill ”Casanova’s shoes”. He was a “lady killer” from Venice. The story reports that he wined and dined women charming them and making them feel beautiful all for the sake of getting them in bed. The next morning Casanova would wake early and leave and do it all over again. Have you heard the other part of the story? Casanova struggled with a very low self-esteem, and the only way he could make himself feel better about being in his body was sexual conquests. Most likely it made Casanova (and the woman he was with) feel very good for a short while. Casanova had another interesting family dynamic that many women dating or married to men like this are not aware of. He (like most womanizers) had a very non-existent relationship with his father. In fact many womanizers have no male mentors that they can relate to as a child. This makes them feel insecure about who they are as men. Understanding this aspect of a womanizer can help a woman deal with being in a relationship with one. 

Psychologists think womanizers may be unable to feel guilt. I have the opinion that they are acting out severe pain in their own life. They stay emotionally detached from their partner so they can leave easily and not feel the pain of leaving. They are usually manipulative and function from the mindset that I better hurt you first because when you see how empty I really am, you may hurt me. He behaves like bound according to your thoughts and passions.He can understand the psychology of the girl with his awesome communication skills. His manipulation skills mean he can be very loving with words and actions, but this is superficial and he can show you his most brutal behavior within minutes of his best. He mistakes even your simple text and your call and will be weird when you ask for a meet.Since Womanizers are almost addicted to the chase or challenges you present before him, the more difficult you make it to go to bed with him the more charming he will become (unless he has abusive tendencies and then you may find him using violence as a tactic). 

How to deal with being in a relationship with a Womanizer?

Bite your tongue and leave. Don’t look back, do not reconsider. He most likely will not change...
If you decide to stay with him, don’t ever sleep with him. If you do, he will be gone shortly.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking if you marry him he will make a great daddy. He won’t! This man will never be faithful to your children... If you have daughters you will raise girls who think this is how all men treat their wife. If you have sons they will be distant from their dad and they will think they have to be like him to be married.
Remember…womanizers are masters at expressing empathy and understand women’s feelings. They will let you vent so you feel relaxed and safe. Then he makes his move and before you know it, you are making the bed and he is no longer in it!!